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Congressman Woman Plans Mission To Moon

Texas Representative Sheila Jackson Lee announced today a bold initiative to take America back to the moon, and also added that she would be leading the mission.

In a press conference held at the NASA branch of Church’s Fried Chicken, Lee stated that she planned on the trip launching sometime later in the year; but assured constituents that she would be back in time for Kwanzaa.

As Lee outlines her bold space initiative; she also notes that she will find out what makes those stars so dam pointy and dangerous.

As Lee outlines her bold space initiative; she also notes that she will find out what makes those stars so dam pointy and dangerous.

Continue reading

Bieber On Another Ass-Whipping Rampage

Breitbart News is reporting that Justin Bieber has assaulted another person. Apparently this time Bieber has beaten one of his neighbors near his home in Los Angeles. It makes one wonder what is going on in this world when in a matter of a year this kid can whip two grown men’s asses! Regular readers will remember it was less than a year ago that Bieber opened up a can of whoop-ass on a member of the paparazzi.

Alleged thug and ass-whipper, Justin 'da Pain' Bieber posing for his mug-shot photo. Bieber stated in the police report that he planned to eat the heart of the his victim and wear his intestines as a necklace.

Alleged thug and ass-whipper, Justin ‘da Pain’ Bieber posing for his mug-shot photo. Bieber stated in the police report that he planned to eat the heart of the his victim and wear his intestines as a necklace.

Something must be done about this little terror. This is just the kind of thing that could be avoided with more stringent border security and background checks on all immigrants or those in the country with work visas. Bieber, who has explicitly stated he has no intention of becoming an American citizen, should be kept under constant supervision due to his violent tendencies. Continue reading

New Mustang Brings Drastic Changes

Detroit – Ford Motor Company revealed plans this week for a total redesign of its upcoming 2015 Mustang. Long rumored to be the year that the iconic nameplate received a total makeover; Ford representatives confirmed today that the 50th anniversary of the car will be unlike anything ever seen in Mustang history.

Ford Executive Vice President of Product Design, Dan Buttrehm headed a presentation at the Ford Concept and Design Center highlighting many of the cars new features.

“What we were looking for was a synergy that brought the current design even further into the 21st century,” Buttrehm stated. “We wanted an evolution of the current retro look combined with the dynamics of daring innovation and engineering that will further solidify the vehicle as the pinnacle of driving excitement.”

Ford released two preliminary photos of the car which is currently being tested. Buttrehm noted that the design is 90% final with some final touches and cosmetic changes to follow.

The new Mustang will incorporate technologies never before seen in a vehicle while retaining driving excitement and appealing to previously untapped demographics.

The new Mustang will incorporate technologies never before seen in a vehicle while retaining driving excitement and appealing to previously untapped demographics.

The vehicle is expected to have Ford’s Ecoboost four-cylinder as the base engine along with higher output versions of the current 3.7 liter V6, 5.0 V8, and the 5.8 V-8 in the Shelby GT500. The new engines will bring over 400 horsepower to the V6 model while the 5.0 and 5.8 V8’s will move to 500 horsepower and a blazing 700 horsepower respectively. Continue reading

Michelle’s Ass To Be Used As Planetary Defense System

(Left) – Artist’s rendition of asteroid coming to destroy us. (Top Right) – Michelle O training with military ass-toning dog. (Bottom Right) – Barack testing firmness of Michelle’s ass as she departs for training in Hawaii.

The White House is expected to reveal today a plan to shield the country from potential damage due to meteors or rogue asteroids such as the one that recently injured hundreds in Russia. While scientists have debated for years as to the method to employ to deflect or destroy these rogue rocks of death. Not much effort has been put forth to actually do something about the issue. Frustrated with the lack of progress, former amateur mixed-race narcotics dealer and canine culinary expert President Barack Obama issued an executive order to deal with the problem.

In a Rose Garden ceremony scheduled for today Obama will address the world on the threat of these rocks of death and how we are now close to annihilation due to the inaction of George Bush. He will outline his plan to save the universe from this threat singlehandedly so that all Americans can get the fair share they deserve. Continue reading

Gun Registry – The First Step Toward Confiscation

One of the main items that lawmakers are proposing to curb gun violence in this country following recent events is a national gun registry database. This proposed database is fairly simple in theory and to the ordinary citizen doesn’t cause any alarms to go off immediately. The database would simply create a registry of all firearms in the country and who is in possession of said firearms. This would, to hear the lawmakers tout the proposal, be a keystone of finally ending gun violence in this country.

In truth it would do nothing to curb violence. It would however, make it much easier for the government to exercise more control over a populace that has become complacent in their defense of liberty. Continue reading

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