What began as a peaceful Sunday drive through the Texas countryside last week took a tragic turn as a man was forced to set fire to his 2019 Ram truck. At a press conference, local officials confirmed that Silsbee, Texas resident Damien Karras narrowly escaped death in what is being investigated as a potential demonic possession of a motor vehicle.
According to police reports and local news sources, Karras was driving on state highway 96 when the vehicle started behaving erratically. The police report noted that driver attempted to change the radio station when a Luke Bryan song began to play on the radio. Seeking to find something more palatable to his auditory palate, Karras quickly changed the station in hope of locating some George Jones or Waylon Jennings tunes. However, much to his dismay, the next station was playing Keith Urban.
At this point Karras decided that he could stomach one song and turned down the volume on the radio. After a few minutes he increased the volume thinking that the song was over. However, the radio was now playing Florida Georgia Line. Karras attempted to turn off the radio, and at that time noted that, “things went haywire”
“All of a sudden the radio wouldn’t respond,” Karras stated. “I couldn’t get the volume to lower and when I started changing the stations it was the same song on all of them. I had no idea what was wrong with the radio. Finally, the song ended and a commercial started. I was so relieved. Until I heard the commercial. It was for Wrangler skinny jeans for men! At that point I knew something had to be done before my mind and body were taken over!”
Fearing for his life and the potential of seriously compressed genitals by denim, Karras did what he had to do to survive. He burned the truck.
“I pulled over to the side of the road and put it in park. The radio kept on getting louder and louder. By then Luke Bryan was singing about ‘Got a little boom in my big truck’ and I could feel my jeans tightening. I tried to turn off the truck but the key wouldn’t move in the ignition. So I said to hell with it and tried to open the door but it was jammed. I was a prisoner in my own truck and thought to myself, this is how I’m gonna die!”
Thankfully, at the last instant, Karras remembered that he had his pistol on the seat next to him. He fired three shots through the driver-side window and was able to extricate himself just before he passed out from the lack of circulation in his lower extremities. Karras doesn’t remember how long he was unconscious, but stated that when he regained conciousness, Blake Shelton was playing on the radio.
Still unable to walk due to the pants compressing his legs and fearing for his life, Karras crawled under the truck and used his knife to cut a hole in the fuel line. As gasoline streamed out, he made his way to a safe distance and reached into his pocket for his zippo lighter.
“That lighter was a family heirloom. It was my grandfather’s lighter from the war. It was with him as he took out Nazi’s, so it was only fitting that it helped eradicate another demon from the face of the earth! I flicked the lid open and struck the wheel. Let me tell ya, that flame was glorious! I tossed the lighter towards the trail of gasoline and BOOM! The truck just exploded! I could feel the heat and the pressure wave from the explosion. And I could hear the truck screaming! It was the most godawful thing I had ever heard. It sounded like two cats having sex as they were tossed in a garbage disposal. And that was the last thing I remembered until I woke up in the hospital.”
OfficerJohn Mulcahy was the first to arrive on the scene and is credited with saving Karras’ life. “I saw the burning truck, and there on the ground just a few yards away was this lifeless body on the ground. He had a faint pulse, and it seemed like he was not getting any circulation. Upon further inspection by myself and the other first responders, we quickly ascertained that the his jeans were literally strangling the life out of him. We had to cut the jeans off of him. But they were so close to the skin there were times we thought we were going to cut the victim as well. Thankfully, we have all been trained on this after the incident at the high school last year with that kid who almost died trying to wear skinny jeans like Justin Bieber.”
Karras is currently recovering in a local hospital and is undergoing extensive groin therapy consisting of several sponge baths each day. Doctors expect a full recovery and credit first responders for their quick action in saving his life.
The Ram Truck company has issued an immediate recall on over 100,000 trucks in order to inspect the vehicles and if necessary, replace the radio units. The company released a statement noting that this was most likely an isolated incident. However, all owners are urged to return their vehicles immediately to the nearest dealership for emergency warranty repairs. Ram Trucks has partnered with the Catholic Church to investigate all vehicles and exorcise any potential demons.
Dealerships will be assigned priests with mechanical knowledge and training in exorcisms. All vehicles will be placed through a thorough inspection. The first phase of the process will be to wash the vehicle with holy water. According to church documentation provided, any affected vehicles will be identified at this stage due to peeling paint and severe cracking of the interior plastics. A technical representative stated that this process would not have worked on General Motors vehicles due to their propensity for peeling paint and cracked dashboards.
After step one is complete, a trained priest, with assistance from a dealer mechanic will remove the radio. Both will be dressed in non-denim clothing in order to minimize any potential skinny jean scenario. Once the radio is removed it will be burned in accordance with church directives concerning exorcism.
“At this point,” a Ram Trucks representative stated, “the new radio will be installed, the vehicle will be blessed, and at that point deemed safe for use.”
As for Karras, a life-long pickup owner, the future is not so bright. While his physical wounds are healing, the emotional scars persist. “Some nights I wake up screaming. The nightmares are so vivid. I’m at a concert, and Luke Bryan is on stage. He’s standing on the hood of my truck! Those headlights are trained right on me. It’s horrible. I tell ya, just horrible. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get in a truck again. It’s so bad, I was looking at a new vehicle this morning on the computer.” He reaches over and opens the laptop next to his bed. There on the screen is a Honda Ridgeline. Karras starts to cry.
“Is this what I’ve been reduced to? A Honda? Lord help me.” Soon a nurse enters the room and administers a sedative. As trucks stream to dealerships throughout the nation to calm their fears, Karras is just beginning his journey. A journey that hopefully doesn’t end at a Honda Ridgeline.