The White House is expected to reveal today a plan to shield the country from potential damage due to meteors or rogue asteroids such as the one that recently injured hundreds in Russia. While scientists have debated for years as to the method to employ to deflect or destroy these rogue rocks of death. Not much effort has been put forth to actually do something about the issue. Frustrated with the lack of progress, former amateur mixed-race narcotics dealer and canine culinary expert President Barack Obama issued an executive order to deal with the problem.
In a Rose Garden ceremony scheduled for today Obama will address the world on the threat of these rocks of death and how we are now close to annihilation due to the inaction of George Bush. He will outline his plan to save the universe from this threat singlehandedly so that all Americans can get the fair share they deserve.
The Big Ass Defense System (BADS) will consist of two parts. Part one will be identifying destructive rocks of death. This will be accomplished by utilizing technology not yet invented, but completely viable and accurate because Obama says it can happen. Funding for this phase of the project will be handled by cuts in defense spending, increasing the food-stamp allotment for all Americans, and a special one-time charge of $900 billion which is completely free to the taxpayers. When asked how a $900 billion cost could be completely free, White House spokesman Jay Carney explained: “You see, this is something that we did not foresee on any budget that the President has ever thought up in his mind. So with that being said, he issued an executive order that any project under $1 trillion should not cost the taxpayer a dime. Next question…”
Phase two of the project will be the actual defense system itself. Scientists from around the world have long debated as to the best method of destroying these rocks of death. Missiles aimed at the rocks, lasers melting them in the sky, even a big energy shield around the planet so that the rocks would bounce off and float away into space have been discussed. None however seem to have any plausible way of actually working. Therefore, after a secret meeting at the Palm Springs Golf Club, the scientists were told of Obama’s plan which they unilaterally agreed has the best chance of saving the universe from imminent destruction. There will be no missiles, no lasers, and no fancy schmancy energy shield. The only thing that will guarantee the survival of the human race is…
Michelle Obama’s ASS!
Yes, you heard it right; her wide ass will be the thing that could potentially save us from Armageddon. According to leaked copies of Obama’s plan the scenario would be handled in the following manner. A rogue asteroid or meteor would be spotted using the magic early detection system which has not yet been created. Immediately Michelle would spring into action from a secret vacation bungalow somewhere in a tropical climate. She would be tethered to a harness system attached to an F-22 fighter jet specially outfitted for large payloads. The jet would fly out into the path of the incoming rock of doom and using a specially developed targeting program created by Lane Bryant in conjunction with Lockheed-Martin, Michelle would be deployed ass-up into the path of the rock. Depending on the density of the rock and the current viscosity of the body fat in her ass at the time; the rock will either disintegrate or be deflected out of the atmosphere into space.
Obama issued a statement to downplay any potential negative feedback from skeptics. In the statement he noted that he was confident Michelle’s ass could be a game changer in the evolution of man. He debunked any ideas that her ass was not tough enough for the job noting that in all the years of knowing her he has only been able to plow through her defenses on two occasions and each of those times involved heavy doses of chicken wings and Courvoisier. Government scientists confirmed that based on preliminary studies conducted at NASA labs and Pilot Truck Stop truck scales Michelle’s ass is most likely oversized for the task, but it is better to be safe than sorry.
When asked how she felt about the project Michelle Obama noted that it was time the country realized the power of the black woman. She stated that there was no way in hell some skinny ass white chick could ever have the ass power needed for such a project. “Can you imagine Hillary trying this? Yeah that old bitty got a big ass but after what Bill did to her all those years, and now my husband letting her take the fall for Benghazi, it’s a wonder that dog can still walk. Me on the other hand,” she stated as she turned and patted her backside, “that my friend is a tight tough ass. You do realize that it would take several normal women’s asses to amount to the power I have in just one cheek? Bring on them ‘roids I say! Tell ya cuz down in the hood dey bettah be lookin’ to da sky boyz! Gone see me makin’ makin some frustrations on da asteroidzation of da universation!”
The program is expected to begin immediately with field trials on Michelle’s ass expected to last throughout the summer. Even with this increased responsibility it is not thought that her current duties and causes will be impacted. Her spokesperson noted that the First Lady’s duties deciding what school kids eat will not be hindered; nor will her role as Chewbacca in the new Star Wars film scheduled for release in 2015.