Texas Representative Sheila Jackson Lee announced today a bold initiative to take America back to the moon, and also added that she would be leading the mission.
In a press conference held at the NASA branch of Church’s Fried Chicken, Lee stated that she planned on the trip launching sometime later in the year; but assured constituents that she would be back in time for Kwanzaa.
“This trip is needed for the country,” Lee stated between bites of chicken. “For too long this country has been torn apart due to racism, homophobia, and guns. These ideologies are the prime reason no person of color has been allowed on the moon. It is time that the country understands and atones fot the crimes of their forefathers. And the legislative intiative I am enacting today will assure that our sons and daughters will grow up to be the astronauts of tomorrow!
“As a recently freed slave who broke the shackles of racism. I feel it is my duty to also break the shackles holding back all black astronauts. For years we have been sending those little robots up there and still they have not taken any pictures of that flag. Well I for one am tired of having a robot tell me what I can and cannot see on the moon. Just because they have saved us time and time again from Megatron does not mean they run our lives.”
After a standing ovation from the crowd she continued to outline her plan. “As soon as they can get fuel in one of those space shuttles we are launching. And when I get there I am going to seek out those racist moon-dwellers and give them a piece of my mind. In addition to righting the racist past of the moon; I also plan to open a dialogue with the moon people and hopefully sign a trade agreement with them that will be beneficial to us all. Any questions?”
After a long period of silence a reporter from USA Today asked: “Trade negotiations with moon people? Are you serious?”
“Yes, I know this sounds ambitious but you have to look to the future,” Lee answered. “Do you know how many times I have looked up at the moon and thought of how thirsty them people must be? I consulted with top scientists and they all tell me that if there is water on the moon, it is probably deep underground. They also told me that to their knowledge, there is not sufficient drilling equipment up there to get to the water. That’s why I am also proposing that we shut down all the drilling rigs in the Gulf of Mexico and send them to those misguided racist moon-dwellers. I am sure that once they see that a black woman can not only be powerful, but also compassionate, they will reject their racist ways and join with us in peaceful harmony.”
Lee was then asked how exactly she planned to fund the trip. “The trip will be funded by resources I have at my disposal. And those resources are mine to use at my disposal for trips that are funded by the resources which I have been granted to use at my disposal. Next question?”
A reporter from Fox News pointed out that it is a scientific fact that there is no life on the moon, human or otherwise. Lee responded that the reporter was mistaken and had been brainwashed into these racist homophobic thoughts by members of the Tea Party in conjunction with the KKK and the Legion of Doom.
She also noted that the trip will not only be a bridge building diplomatic effort to connect with the moon people; but that it will also serve as a great platform for scientific experimentation. Already several leading scientific research firms have committed research funds to study various things on her trip. While some of the details are still be ironed out, Lee was able to point to a few highlights about which the scientists are most excited.
Some of the research will include studying the effects of weightlessness on the structure of a triple crown embedded weave. Another study will prove how gun control has helped curb crime in space. When asked what she was most looking forward to on the trip, Lee responded:
“I peronally am looking forward to seeing our planet from high above in space. If I am lucky, I will get to see the Great Wall of Vietnam that divides the North and South parts. If the Mongrel Dynasty can build something that strong which lasts thousands of years and saves them from the Nazi invasion. Then I know it will be nothing for me to reach the stars.”