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Tighter Than A Triple Crown Weave!

Man Burns Possessed Truck To Ward Off Demons

What began as a peaceful Sunday drive through the Texas countryside last week took a tragic turn as a man was forced to set fire to his 2019 Ram truck. At a press conference, local officials confirmed that Silsbee, Texas resident Damien Karras narrowly escaped death in what is being investigated as a potential demonic possession of a motor vehicle.

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Health Scare In Hardin County

Texas Department of Health officials say there is no cause for alarm after reports of an STD outbreak in southeast Texas.
During a press conference in Hardin County, lead investigator Dr. Leonard McCoy described the events leading up to the health scare, the outcome, and why a national prophylactic manufacturer is eyeing the area for a future advertising campaign.

According to McCoy several calls were received late last Saturday evening to the STD hotline. Callers described a sudden burning sensation on various parts of the body, including mouths, genitals, and buttocks area. As the calls continued to pour in, the call center manager noticed the outbreak was centered within a one-mile radius in a small city just northeast of Beaumont. Immediately, an emergency response team was assembled.

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The Forgotten Toyota

While the Camry was a huge success for Toyota, the Corollary proved that just tossing any name on a vehicle did not guarantee sales success. 

Woman Missing After Alligator Attack

Local officials are still searching for a woman reported missing over the weekend, after an alligator attacked her as she was paddling her kayak. Authorities stated that 28 year-old Maggie Bennett was attacked shortly before 9 a.m. Saturday while kayaking with friends on a local creek. This is the fifth attack this summer by alligators on unsuspecting women in kayaks.

Rescuers Continue Search

Rescuers Continue Search

Department of Wildlife representative, Paul Hogan, commented on the situation during a press conference. He noted that the attack occurred in fairly shallow water and there were no warning signs.

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President Rolls One To Cope With Troubles

The White House released a photo today to illustrate the measures that the President is taking to cope with the vicious attacks upon him and the liberty of the world by conservative groups.

Barry tries to relax in the Oval Office after a hard day trying to protect the country from the lies of sadistic Tea Party members.

Barry tries to relax in the Oval Office after a hard day protecting the country from the lies of sadistic Tea Party members.

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