As Paul Ryan works out in the gym preparing for tonight’s fight, Vice President Joe Biden takes a hands on approach. He is seen here sparring with high school athletes upset over Michelle’s lunch program. Biden later commented: “Those were some big Mexicans!”
In what is being billed as a battle of the minds versus the mindless, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan will take on current Vice President and court jester, Joe ‘Did I Say That’ Biden tonight in a 10-round match at the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
Although Biden is a former two-time MMA champion and a member of the WWE wrestling tag team Ebony N Ivory, he is still the underdog according to many Vegas oddsmakers who consider him past his prime; especially considering the formidable strength of tonight’s opponent Paul Ryan. Ryan, as many experts have observed, is in peak physical condition and riding high on a wave of popular support after his running-mate Mitt Romney thoroughly spanked Obama’s ass in last week’s debate.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, David Axelrod expressed his fears for tonight’s match.
“The administration has concerns that Biden may not be able to win tonight. There are several factors that we have taken into consideration to come to this conclusion. Of course Biden’s age is a factor, at 98 he may just be too old to fight. With age we all know that men lose testosterone. When you couple that with being in the presence of Barack for the past few years; you have to figure that he is pretty much pussified at this point. We have been hopping him up with Viagra and stud horse hormones for the past week, but so far the only result is that he is constantly humping the furniture and eating lots of oats.”
Speaking at the pre-fight press conference Biden seemed optimistic of his chances and engaged in lively conversation with reporters.
“Oh, I’m ready to fight,” Biden exclaimed as he sat shirtless at the table. “I haven’t felt this good in years. My pecker’s stiff and my wife has a smile! I could probably take on the world right now. By the way, has anybody seen my pants? I can’t seem to find the damn things. Any questions?”
Wolf Blitzer of CNN asked: “Mr. Vice President, do you feel that Paul Ryan stands a chance against you tonight considering that the fate of this election may ride on the outcome of this match?”
Biden: “The Vice President’s here? Damn I’d sure like to meet that guy, maybe even get an autograph. Anybody got a pen I can borrow?” An aide hurriedly informed Biden that he was the Vice President and the question was directed at him. “Oh wow. Sorry I had forgot about that. Let’s see, does Paul Ryan have a chance? Well, I gotta tell you I think he has an excellent chance at winning tonight. With the sorry state of this administration it’s probably time for a change in this country. Hell, I’m pulling for the guy!”
Rachel Maddow of MSNBC asked: “Sir, some are stating that President Obama’s performance in the first debate reflected poorly on the campaign and you now have that added pressure to succeed tonight to re-establish dominance in the race, do you agree?”
Biden: “Listen fella, I’m under a lot of pressure already. Hell I just found out I’m Vice President. But yeah I agree that I need to perform tonight. Look, not only am I representing all the good people of America, but I’m also representing the blacks. What Obama did last week was pitiful, I mean he is like the second or third black president and this is the best he can do? It makes me wish that we had Danny Glover or Morgan Freeman back in the White House.”
Keith Olbermann: “Do you have a plan to counter these lies from your opponent that the current administration is not doing enough to promote jobs and only wants to tax the citizenry to further people’s dependence on the government through various welfare programs?”
Biden: “Well, I gotta tell you they probably have a point with that. I have studied how these Democrats work and that seems to be the plan. I think it should be stopped. Hell, the people have suffered enough under this administration. Every day I see people without jobs, living on welfare, and just scraping by to feed their families. Enough I say! Look at what this man has done to the nation. We need to get him out of office and get some people in that know what -”
Biden was suddenly cut off as the power grid in Las Vegas failed. When the power returned he was curiously absent from the stage. An aide to the Vice President explained that he had been removed for security reasons.