One of the main items that lawmakers are proposing to curb gun violence in this country following recent events is a national gun registry database. This proposed database is fairly simple in theory and to the ordinary citizen doesn’t cause any alarms to go off immediately. The database would simply create a registry of all firearms in the country and who is in possession of said firearms. This would, to hear the lawmakers tout the proposal, be a keystone of finally ending gun violence in this country.

In truth it would do nothing to curb violence. It would however, make it much easier for the government to exercise more control over a populace that has become complacent in their defense of liberty. Continue reading

President and admitted recreational narcotics user Barack Obama swims in shark free waters at taxpayer expense in Hawaii.

The White House released detailed information about the true cost of the first family’s recent vacation to Hawaii to celebrate the Christmas and New Year’s holiday season. This was in response to various reports that placed the total cost to the taxpayers at several million dollars.

The palatial home that the family stayed in was paid for out of their own private funds. The $3,500 per night residence was considered a bargain in that it was heavily discounted by the leasing firm. White House spokesman Jay Carney confirmed that this was due in no part to a recent investigation of the leasing company being dropped by the Justice Department. He noted that the discounted rate was due to scheduling the trip during the off-season and Michelle using a Hotwire.com coupon code she found on the internet. Continue reading

Speaking at the press conference, Justice Czar Paul Blart details the plan for saving the people harmed by Hurricane Sandy. (Pictured L to R: UN Envoy Professor Severus Snape, Senator Joe Lieberman, and Justice Czar Paul Blart)

In a bid to restore order and bring the criminals to justice in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, former dog-eater, cocaine peddler, and current President Barack Obama appointed an emergency Justice Czar to lead the fight against violence and quell the anarchy.

Paul Blart, a security expert from New Jersey has been tasked with coordinating the effort to restore peace to the streets. Blart is a semi-retired retail security expert who single handedly stopped a terrorist act three years ago at a mall in West Orange, New Jersey. An act that, in the words of Joe Biden: saved trillions of lives! Continue reading

As Paul Ryan works out in the gym preparing for tonight’s fight, Vice President Joe Biden takes a hands on approach. He is seen here sparring with high school athletes upset over Michelle’s lunch program. Biden later commented: “Those were some big Mexicans!”

In what is being billed as a battle of the minds versus the mindless, Republican Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan will take on current Vice President and court jester, Joe ‘Did I Say That’ Biden tonight in a 10-round match at the Bellagio in Las Vegas.

Although Biden is a former two-time MMA champion and a member of the WWE wrestling tag team Ebony N Ivory, he is still the underdog according to many Vegas oddsmakers who consider him past his prime; especially considering the formidable strength of tonight’s opponent Paul Ryan. Ryan, as many experts have observed, is in peak physical condition and riding high on a wave of popular support after his running-mate Mitt Romney thoroughly spanked Obama’s ass in last week’s debate.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, David Axelrod expressed his fears for tonight’s match.

“The administration has concerns that Biden may not be able to win tonight. There are several factors that we have taken into consideration to come to this conclusion. Of course Biden’s age is a factor, at 98 he may just be too old to fight. With age we all know that men lose testosterone.  When you couple that with being in the presence of Barack for the past few years; you have to figure that he is pretty much pussified at this point. We have been hopping him up with Viagra and stud horse hormones for the past week, but so far the only result is that he is constantly humping the furniture and eating lots of oats.”

Speaking at the pre-fight press conference Biden seemed optimistic of his chances and engaged in lively conversation with reporters.

“Oh, I’m ready to fight,” Biden exclaimed as he sat shirtless at the table. “I haven’t felt this good in years. My pecker’s stiff and my wife has a smile! I could probably take on the world right now. By the way, has anybody seen my pants? I can’t seem to find the damn things. Any questions?”

Wolf Blitzer of CNN asked: “Mr. Vice President, do you feel that Paul Ryan stands a chance against you tonight considering that the fate of this election may ride on the outcome of this match?”

Biden: “The Vice President’s here? Damn I’d sure like to meet that guy, maybe even get an autograph. Anybody got a pen I can borrow?” An aide hurriedly informed Biden that he was the Vice President and the question was directed at him. “Oh wow. Sorry I had forgot about that. Let’s see, does Paul Ryan have a chance? Well, I gotta tell you I think he has an excellent chance at winning tonight. With the sorry state of this administration it’s probably time for a change in this country. Hell, I’m pulling for the guy!”

Rachel Maddow of MSNBC asked: “Sir, some are stating that President Obama’s performance in the first debate reflected poorly on the campaign and you now have that added pressure to succeed tonight to re-establish dominance in the race, do you agree?”

Biden: “Listen fella, I’m under a lot of pressure already. Hell I just found out I’m Vice President. But yeah I agree that I need to perform tonight. Look, not only am I representing all the good people of America, but I’m also representing the blacks. What Obama did last week was pitiful, I mean he is like the second or third black president and this is the best he can do? It makes me wish that we had Danny Glover or Morgan Freeman back in the White House.”

Keith Olbermann: “Do you have a plan to counter these lies from your opponent that the current administration is not doing enough to promote jobs and only wants to tax the citizenry to further people’s dependence on the government through various welfare programs?”

Biden: “Well, I gotta tell you they probably have a point with that. I have studied how these Democrats work and that seems to be the plan. I think it should be stopped. Hell, the people have suffered enough under this administration. Every day I see people without jobs, living on welfare, and just scraping by to feed their families. Enough I say! Look at what this man has done to the nation. We need to get him out of office and get some people in that know what -”

Biden was suddenly cut off as the power grid in Las Vegas failed. When the power returned he was curiously absent from the stage. An aide to the Vice President explained that he had been removed for security reasons.