Responding to criticism from both Republicans and Democrats, President Obama is poised to reveal the details of his plan to get the country back on track financially. Sources say that Obama has been working on the plan for the past week; and that it was finalized over shots of Courvoisier after a game of golf with administration financial advisers.
Obama has scheduled a live televised address to the nation Thursday night to present the plan to the American people. Ordinarily, this would be considered political suicide considering that is the same night of CSI’s season premiere. However, White House sources stated that the show has not been the same without Grissom and now that Morpheus is gone they don’t think people will mind.
While the plan is shrouded in secrecy, the Padou Times has learned several key details from our sources. Conventional wisdom and past history show that lowering tax rates across the board, curbing spending, and balancing the budget will invigorate the economy. Thereby reducing the nation’s debt. The Obama plan seems to follow a much different path.
Apparently the administration is not only prepared to let the Bush tax cuts expire, but also will be seeking to raise taxes on those making over $250,000 per year. White House insiders say that this increase in taxes on the “super-rich” will bring in more money to the government and take it out of the hands of those who earned it. “Basically,” our source stated these people don’t need that much money anyway. Besides, they probably got that much money by paying others less than what they were worth. With the money going to the government it can be targeted towards those in the most need, and more likely to vote Democrat in the next election cycle. If it means that they will have to find other ways to fuel their private jets and power their fountains of liquid diamonds, so be it.
The plan also calls for all government offices to immediately sell all furnishings and electronics. Afterwards, the government will begin leasing instead of buying the items. The administration has opened an Ebay account (changeandhope2012) in preparation for the sell-off of hundreds of thousands of items. Sources say that the sale could generate billions of dollars in new revenue; even after the cost of free shipping for multiple purchases is factored into the equation.
The replacement items will be provided by Rent-A-Center. While several firms apparently competed for the government’s business RAC won the contract based on several factors. First and foremost was the nationwide network of locations readily accessible to government offices. The friendly staff and huge selection of name-brand items also played a part in the decision.
Ultimately it was Obama himself who decided.
“Look, we ran the numbers and basically it was between RAC and Aaron’s,” Obama stated in a candid interview on the Rachel Madcow Show. “I know that everyone may think this plan is crazy; but honestly, some of the stuff the government owns is just plain old.”
Obama noted, there is a bed in the White House that is around 200-years old. “We have heads of state and celebrities over all the time. Would you want your company sleeping on old stuff? Of course not. That crap is going on Ebay and we’ll be lucky if it even hits the reserve price.”
“Michelle’s been down at the store on the corner of Pennsylvania and MLK all weekend picking out stuff. Let me tell you sister, they got some good shit in there! Best of all, the first week’s free! How’s that for saving the people’s money? Plus as a bonus they are throwing in new LED t.v.’s with every order. You think those bastards that used to sell furniture to the government would do that? Nope. They were too busy lining the pockets of those fat-cats on wall street. Well we are out of that game for good. From here on out we are dealing with the cream of the crop in the furniture leasing industry. These RAC guys are pros and know how to treat their customer.”
Curiously absent from the plan is any reference to another stimulus package similar to the one enacted early in Obama’s administration. Obama noted that another stimulus was not needed at this time. “Look, we thought about another stimulus but honestly it did not make sense. Some people say the first was a failure. But if you look at the big picture, when we did the first stimulus unemployment was around nine-percent. Now it is still around nine-percent if you take out those people who have just said to hell with finding another job. Also, you don’t need to count the ones in jail because they were caught trying to steal food so their kids didn’t starve to death. So basically, the stimulus did what it was originally intended to do.
“In my opinion it was a complete success,” he continued. “I mean, without the stimulus we wouldn’t have those windmills to generate electricity built by our friends at GE. And as soon as they figure out why the things are malfunctioning; we will be able to have enough free electricity, with zero carbon footprint, to power a good sized neighborhood. Now that’s progress right there; and it only cost us $96 billion dollars. You know why? Because GE built this for little or no profit. They did not do it as a profit-driven capitalistic country; but rather as a company wanting to work for the betterment of mankind. It was this kind of thinking that makes me proud to be an American.”
Obama then noted that GE was influential in helping shape energy policy which will save the country trillions in the future. The new policy, scheduled to take effect next year will ban the use of traditional light bulbs and instead require all buildings in the country to use the new low voltage bulbs developed by GE.
The new bulbs cost only $17 each are over 25% more efficient than those currently in use. To further reduce costs to the consumer GE relocated the manufacturing of these bulbs to China in order to produce them for less than thirty-cents each. Obama also noted that GE went out of their way to offer jobs to those employed at the soon to be closed light bulb factory here in the U.S. As of press time, none of the employees had decided whether or not they would move to China.
A new payroll tax law which will reduce fraud in the system is also part of the plan. Currently, an employer takes a specified percentage out of each employee’s paycheck. The employer then matches part of that deduction and turns the funds in to the government. This money is used as withholding for income taxes, social security, and other things.
With the new regulations the process will be much simplified. The employer will now send the entire amount of the employee’s earnings to the government every pay period. The employer will also be required to match that amount dollar for dollar. Once received, the funds will be allocated and a check issued to the employee. Within six to seven weeks the employee will receive their funds. The amount disbursed will be based on government charts which specify the amount each person should receive per pay period.
The amount will be determined by several factors which should “level the playing field,” for all involved. No longer will pay be determined by qualifications, job title, hours worked, or other non-relevant factors. Instead the money will be distributed according to factors which matter in today’s society: race, gender, sexual orientation, political affiliation, and citizenship status. Special bonuses will be paid to those who are working in the country, but have been unable to obtain citizenship. These people will receive around 50% more per pay period that those who are already citizens. This is due to the fact that these people most likely have a longer commute and find it harder to communicate because they don’t speak English.
The biggest savings will most likely come from an elimination of all defense spending. Currently the United States spends over $600 billion per year for all branches of the military. Under the new debt plan, defense spending would be zero. This is accomplished through an agreement with China. Obama noted that the Chinese only spend around $78 billion a year for their military which is quite less than the U.S.A.
As a goodwill gesture to help us through our debt crisis, the Chinese have agreed to take control of all military installations and equipment. All military personnel will be taken to China where they will be extensively trained on Chinese technology and military procedures. The savings potential from this alone will allow the government to enact more urban renewal projects and provide healthcare for the entire country.
When asked if he thought the country would be safe handing over defense duties to another nation, Obama noted the case of Tibet. He stated that the Chinese have basically been watching out for those Tibet people for years and no one has invaded Tibet. Besides, the Chinese leaders assured him that they were familiar with U.S. military hardware and should have no problem operating the equipment.