Washington – In a low-key ceremony today President Obama signed into law a controversial bill which legalizes hate crimes against Christians. Several minority groups and civil rights organizations banded together to get the legislation passed before the mid-term turnover of power in the House.
Reverend Al Sharpton, a strong proponent of the bill, described it as something the country was desperately in need of during these troubling times. “For years you have had groups terrorizing minorities in this country.” He stated as he stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. “Now those groups finally have a chance to be the oppressor.”
Obama signs the bill while exclaiming "Let's kick some infidel ass!"
While conservative and Christian groups were busy decrying the legislation; several like Sharpton, were busy applauding. Anderson Cooper on CNN opened his show with a tirade against the Pope and calling on people to “take care” of those who “seek to instill their version of morality upon us.” Cooper then burned a Bible and bragged of engaging in homosexual acts with guests during commercials. Finally, he ended the show with a video of himself and Rachel Maddow burning several churches and executing puppies with corncobs.
Many on Capitol Hill were surprised at the outrage associated with the passage of the bill. “Hey it’s tit for tat.” President Obama stated after signing the bill. “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. It’s not like people didn’t see this coming. Now they are going to see that the beat dog does know how to bite back.” Obama added that the hate legislation in the bill is just a small part of the overall package. “Everyone is getting their panties in a wad about this hate stuff,” he stated. “What they don’t understand is that we’re not hating on people who can’t take it. We are simply approving lashing out at people who are perceived in our eyes as being too sanctimonious for their own britches. What people are failing to realize are the parts of the bill that strengthen the nation and do real good for the country.
The President was referring to the rest of the bill which included several provisions totally unrelated to the hate legislation. The bill contains $45 billion in funding for skate parks in economically depressed urban neighborhoods; $12 billion in funding for new drive-through abortion clinics; and $23 billion in education funding to buy laptops for illegal immigrant children in the public school system.
Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi issued a statement from her office concerning the bill: “While I understand the outrage some may have over this bill you must understand that it had to be passed in order to find out what was in it. Understand the bill does not condemn Christians as a whole. This bill was designed to target the worst offenders of Christianity, namely the rich. Christians who follow a middle ground in life; are good stewards of the environment; support progressive causes; and hate Republicans should have no problem living normal lives. We also need to remember that this bill will provide new laptops to so many poor non-legal children trying to live the American dream at the expense of others.”
The laptops were designed in conjunction with Apple, Intel, Verizon, and the Chinese government. The units feature the latest in technology including Intel’s i7 processor, and lifetime subscriptions to Verizon’s new LTE ultra fast wireless internet. The free internet is made possible due to increased fees imposed by the government on customers who use wireless services and have jobs. With this impressive set of features, the units would retail for over $1,000 if sold in stores. However, at press time several were listed on eBay with a buy it now price of $299 with free shipping. The Padou Times was unable to contact the seller, holagringos432, for comment. We did however, purchase four of the units, along with several cases of dvd’s, three social security cards, and two cases of medical marijuana.