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Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich is suing a U.S. House of Representatives cafeteria for $150,000,000,000 due to a vegetarian sandwich wrap nearly killing him in 2008. Kucinich’s lawyers state that the Congressman purchased a vegetarian sandwich wrap on or about April 17, 2008 from the Longworth House Office Building cafeteria, and that the wrap was a cleverly disguised weapon which nearly took the Congressman’s life.

After biting into the sandwich, Kucinich stated he felt something hard in his mouth, and “searing pain from my jaw to my bowels.” He immediately fell to the floor as blood spurted from several body orifices and screamed like a cat in heat. At first no one attempted to help him as he writhed in pain. “It was because Bush was still in office,” Kucinich remarked. However, luckily he was recognized as a member of Congress and therefore having a kick-ass health plan.

Kucinich was airlifted to the Mayo clinic where he underwent several hours of re-constructive surgery to repair the damage to his oral cavity. After surgery, he spent three weeks in Sweden undergoing intense physical therapy in order to re-train his body to be able to chew.

An FBI forensics team determined the incident was caused by dangerous substances in the vegetarian wrap Kucinich ordered. Upon further investigation the wrap was found to contain assorted vegetables, including an un-pitted olive, ground pepper, razor blades, honey mustard, and firecrackers.

The lawsuit states that the dangerous substance, namely the olive pit, caused Kucinich, “permanent dental and oral injuries requiring multiple surgical and dental procedures,” from which he should be entitled a helluva lot of money.

At a press conference detailing the lawsuit, Kucinich was asked why he waited almost three full years before suing. “Do you know how hard it is to find out the true culprit in this entire affair? Hell, we couldn’t figure out who to sue first. Honestly, it all came down to this lady that worked in the cafeteria, she is the one that prepared the wrap for me that day. But I couldn’t actually sue her could I? She doesn’t make any money, heck I doubt she even speaks good English. So anyways, we decided to go after the true offenders in this whole affair; namely big business. Not only are they evil, but that have a crap-load of cash!”

Defendants named in the lawsuit include the aforementioned cafeteria; food suppliers Performance Food Group and Foodbuy LLC; the nation of Greece; and one Lou Sparks of Cleveland, Ohio. When asked why he was suing the nation of Greece and an unknown person from Ohio, Kucinich responded: “Well, olives come from Greece right? So’s they have to have something to do with this. Probably won’t get much from them though, I hear they’re bankrupt. And as for Lou Sparks, well let’s just say this is what you get for not voting for me last time.”

The case is scheduled to go to trial on April 8, 2011.


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