Padou Times

Tighter Than A Triple Crown Weave!

Kucinich Survives Botched Assassination Attempt!

Kucinich Demonstrates To Supporters In Cleveland How Helicopters Work.

Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich is suing a U.S. House of Representatives cafeteria for $150,000,000,000 due to a vegetarian sandwich wrap nearly killing him in 2008. Kucinich’s lawyers state that the Congressman purchased a vegetarian sandwich wrap on or about April 17, 2008 from the Longworth House Office Building cafeteria, and that the wrap was a cleverly disguised weapon which nearly took the Congressman’s life.

After biting into the sandwich, Kucinich stated he felt something hard in his mouth, and “searing pain from my jaw to my bowels.” He immediately fell to the floor as blood spurted from several body orifices and screamed like a cat in heat. At first no one attempted to help him as he writhed in pain. “It was because Bush was still in office,” Kucinich remarked. However, luckily he was recognized as a member of Congress and therefore having a kick-ass health plan.

Kucinich was airlifted to the Mayo clinic where he underwent several hours of re-constructive surgery to repair the damage to his oral cavity. After surgery, he spent three weeks in Sweden undergoing intense physical therapy in order to re-train his body to be able to chew.

An FBI forensics team determined the incident was caused by dangerous substances in the vegetarian wrap Kucinich ordered. Upon further investigation the wrap was found to contain assorted vegetables, including an un-pitted olive, ground pepper, razor blades, honey mustard, and firecrackers.

The lawsuit states that the dangerous substance, namely the olive pit, caused Kucinich, “permanent dental and oral injuries requiring multiple surgical and dental procedures,” from which he should be entitled a helluva lot of money.

At a press conference detailing the lawsuit, Kucinich was asked why he waited almost three full years before suing. “Do you know how hard it is to find out the true culprit in this entire affair? Hell, we couldn’t figure out who to sue first. Honestly, it all came down to this lady that worked in the cafeteria, she is the one that prepared the wrap for me that day. But I couldn’t actually sue her could I? She doesn’t make any money, heck I doubt she even speaks good English. So anyways, we decided to go after the true offenders in this whole affair; namely big business. Not only are they evil, but that have a crap-load of cash!”

Defendants named in the lawsuit include the aforementioned cafeteria; food suppliers Performance Food Group and Foodbuy LLC; the nation of Greece; and one Lou Sparks of Cleveland, Ohio. When asked why he was suing the nation of Greece and an unknown person from Ohio, Kucinich responded: “Well, olives come from Greece right? So’s they have to have something to do with this. Probably won’t get much from them though, I hear they’re bankrupt. And as for Lou Sparks, well let’s just say this is what you get for not voting for me last time.”

The case is scheduled to go to trial on April 8, 2011.

35 Comments

  1. teksty zaproszeń ślubnych śmieszne

    2011.11.20 at 23:20

    This is like my third time coming by your site. Regularly I do not make comments on, but I have to mention that this article really pushed me to do so. Really awesome article!

  2. bad credit loans

    2011.11.18 at 12:29

    Really clean internet site , appreciate it for this post.

  3. promotional company gifts

    2011.11.15 at 10:58

    Great article. Keep it up.

  4. Lesley Ringwald

    2011.11.01 at 02:05

    I’ve recently started a site, the information you provide on this website has helped me greatly. Thank you for all of your time & work. “So full of artless jealousy is guilt, It spills itself in fearing to be spilt.” by William Shakespeare.

  5. Janome 8077 Sewing Machine

    2011.08.13 at 21:59

    Useful stuff, but the theme don’t display properly on my Powerbook…maybe you should check that out. Thanks, anyway.

    • Thumper

      2011.08.16 at 22:44

      I guess I could. You can send it to us or stop by the office. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather take it to one of those Apple stores?

  6. Jenell Altmiller

    2011.08.06 at 17:45

    Woah! I’m really loving the template/theme of this website. It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s hard to get that “perfect balance” between superb usability and visual appeal. I must say you have done a very good job with this. Additionally, the blog loads very quick for me on Safari. Exceptional Blog!

    • Thumper

      2011.08.16 at 22:40

      Much appreciated Jenell. Although, I for one would think that you have better things to do on Safari than look at our little old website.
      At least take some pictures of lions and kangaroos or something. I mean it’s not everyday you get to go to the Congo and see raw nature. Besides, think of the money you wasted on those tickets to New Zealand if all you do is stay on the internet. Say hello to the Queen for me!

  7. One of the strongest and most persistent elements in national development has been that inheritance of political traditions and usages which the new settlers brought with them.

    • Thumper

      2011.04.19 at 22:24

      Me, I thought it was the development of drive-thru fast food. But what you said sounds okay.

  8. In the grand design of things you receive an A+ with regard to hard work. Exactly where you confused me personally was in the specifics. As it is said, details make or break the argument.. And it couldn’t be more true right here. Having said that, allow me say to you what exactly did work. The writing can be incredibly powerful and that is most likely why I am taking the effort in order to opine. I do not make it a regular habit of doing that. 2nd, whilst I can easily notice a jumps in logic you make, I am not necessarily certain of exactly how you appear to unite your details which inturn help to make your conclusion. For the moment I will, no doubt subscribe to your point but wish in the foreseeable future you actually link your facts much better.

    • Thumper

      2011.04.19 at 22:20

      I understand semi-completely what you are stating here Lando25. I appreciate the A+ but feel that it is not really deserved. You humble me with your kind praise and support. I most appreciate your criticism and will strive to meet the high standards which you have placed me. I would at this time like to express my adoration for you and how you have handled the strife in your life. Not many people could have handled having Cloud City taken from them by the Empire. While I don’t agree with you selling out your friends, I do understand that you were only trying to save the citizenry of your mining operation from whatever cruel fate Vader had in mind for them.

  9. I live my life day by day, and that’s how I continue to live it.

  10. I will not become a Napoleon nor an Alexander, and labour for my own ambition; but I will labour for freedom and for the moral well-being of man.

    • Thumper

      2011.04.19 at 22:23

      Well Napoleon was short and Alexander liked his boy-toys. Go with Patton. He was a badass.

  11. Hey there! Someone in my Facebook group shared this website with us so I came to check it out. I’m definitely loving the information. I’m bookmarking and will be tweeting this to my followers! Great blog and brilliant style and design.

    • Thumper

      2011.04.19 at 22:22

      Thanks, we are working hard to update the site on a regular basis. Hopefully when the editor gets released from the county lock-up we will be able to continue posting.

  12. Hello there! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and tell you I genuinely enjoy reading through your blog posts. Can you recommend any other blogs/websites/forums that go over the same subjects? Many thanks!

    • Thumper

      2011.02.28 at 22:26

      Thanks for the support. We don’t know if there are any other sites like ours. But you never know, daddy did get around…

  13. When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get several e-mails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove people from that service? Many thanks!

    • Thumper

      2011.02.28 at 22:30

      We have the same problem. No idea how to fix it. Your best bet would be to change your identity and move to a tropical island.

  14. Hey, I think your website might be having browser compatibility issues. When I look at your blog site in Firefox, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other then that, terrific blog!

    • Thumper

      2011.02.28 at 22:31

      Thanks. As for the overlapping, we will contact our support staff and have the issue addressed.

  15. I was curious if you ever considered changing the structure of your blog? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having one or two images. Maybe you could space it out better?

    • Thumper

      2011.02.28 at 22:34

      It’s still in the “beta” phase. At this time we are still trying to find our online identity. Plus, our web designer quit after the checks bounced, so we hired a girl with extensive internet experience. Now if we could just get her to put her clothes back on and turn off that damn webcam…

  16. Wonderful blog! I found it while searching on Yahoo News. Do you have any suggestions on how to get listed in Yahoo News? I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Appreciate it

    • Thumper

      2011.02.28 at 22:36

      Crime seems to be an easy way to get on Yahoo News. Just remember to smile for the camera. Sleeping with a celebrity then telling your story helps. One of our interns slept with Oprah. He was going to sell his story but died abruptly from an accidental overdose of self-rising flour.

  17. We stumbled over here different web address and thought I might as well check things out. I like what I see so now i’m following you. Look forward to checking out your web page again.

    • Thumper

      2011.02.28 at 22:38

      Were you that guy in Target that kept following me around with the Easy Cheese and Wheat Thins? Nice to hear from you.

  18. Hmm is anyone else experiencing problems with the pictures on this blog loading? I’m trying to figure out if its a problem on my end or if it’s the blog. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

    • Thumper

      2011.02.28 at 22:39

      Don’t know about the picture problems. But if you have problems on your end then you should seek professional help. My suggestion: choose a doctor based on the size of their hands.

  19. Great blog! Do you have any hints for aspiring writers? I’m planning to start my own blog soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you propose starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many choices out there that I’m completely overwhelmed .. Any recommendations? Thanks a lot!

    • Thumper

      2011.02.28 at 22:51

      Lewis Grizzard once stated that the best advice he could give any aspiring writer was this: Learn To Type. Writing in longhand sucks.

      When designing the Padou Times we decided to go the free route. It may not have the panache of a high-dollar site, but with the money saved we were able to buy an extra cas of beer and watch two pay-per-view movies.

  20. Howdy! Quick question that’s totally off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My site looks weird when browsing from my iphone. I’m trying to find a theme or plugin that might be able to resolve this problem. If you have any suggestions, please share. Cheers!

    • Thumper

      2011.02.28 at 22:53

      It probably has to do with the fact you are trying to view us an iphone. Steve Jobs doesn’t like us after what we did to his yard

Comments are closed.

© 2017 Padou Times

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑