A state of emergency was issued for most of the country this week as a major blizzard swept the nation. New York City, still recovering from the last storm, was buried under 42″ of snow. Mayor Bloomberg stated that there would not be a repeat of the snow-plow incident of several weeks ago. Bloomberg’s office confirmed that increased kickback payments to union representatives were delivered early in order to keep the plows working.
In Washington D.C., Federal offices were closed including the Senate and House of Representatives. John Boehner, House Majority Leader, noted that the last time it was this cold in the Capital was when Nancy Pelosi’s left breast slipped out of her dress during the Obama inaugural ball.
President Obama, issued a statement from his vacation home in Aruba; saying he was behind all Americans in spirit during this cold time, and confirmed that the lobster is quite tasty. He also noted that this recent spate of dire weather was most likely brought on by evil corporations, and those damn Tea-Party members. Sarah Palin rebutted by sending a case of Polar Bear jerky to the White House.
Perhaps the most distressing news to creep out this week was Al Gore’s statement that the hard freeze was brought about by global warming. Honestly, how in the hell anyone could believe this is beyond this editor’s comprehension. But, according to Tipper’s husband, it goes something like this: global warming melts the ice caps which produce more moisture in the atmosphere. The increased moisture therefore needs somewhere to go, so it seeks out cold spots in sky. Once there, it mates with other water, producing bastard water children which are cold hearted by nature. The cold-hearted-bastard-water-children seek out the coldest point on the planet – either Nancy Pelosi’s left breast, or Hilary Clinton’s bed – and then form an evil storm which has only one purpose in life. That purpose is to KILL poor people that can’t afford heat or health insurance because of evil corporations intent on destroying them, and eating the hearts of the elderly and children. The only way to combat this, and restore order to the natural balance of the planet, is to donate money to the Gore Global Warming Fund.
Several noted scientific minds in the country backed up Gore’s statement. Including George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Tim Robbins, and Steven Speilberg. While none of them have any formal scientific training, they do all have lots of money, have watched An Inconvenient Truth several times, and have multiple hybrids parked in their respective garages, which they drive to charity events or photo-ops.