Kucinich Demonstrates To Supporters In Cleveland How Helicopters Work.
Ohio Congressman Dennis Kucinich is suing a U.S. House of Representatives cafeteria for $150,000,000,000 due to a vegetarian sandwich wrap nearly killing him in 2008. Kucinich’s lawyers state that the Congressman purchased a vegetarian sandwich wrap on or about April 17, 2008 from the Longworth House Office Building cafeteria, and that the wrap was a cleverly disguised weapon which nearly took the Congressman’s life.
After biting into the sandwich, Kucinich stated he felt something hard in his mouth, and “searing pain from my jaw to my bowels.” He immediately fell to the floor as blood spurted from several body orifices and screamed like a cat in heat. At first no one attempted to help him as he writhed in pain. “It was because Bush was still in office,” Kucinich remarked. However, luckily he was recognized as a member of Congress and therefore having a kick-ass health plan.
Kucinich was airlifted to the Mayo clinic where he underwent several hours of re-constructive surgery to repair the damage to his oral cavity. After surgery, he spent three weeks in Sweden undergoing intense physical therapy in order to re-train his body to be able to chew.
An FBI forensics team determined the incident was caused by dangerous substances in the vegetarian wrap Kucinich ordered. Upon further investigation the wrap was found to contain assorted vegetables, including an un-pitted olive, ground pepper, razor blades, honey mustard, and firecrackers.
The lawsuit states that the dangerous substance, namely the olive pit, caused Kucinich, “permanent dental and oral injuries requiring multiple surgical and dental procedures,” from which he should be entitled a helluva lot of money.
At a press conference detailing the lawsuit, Kucinich was asked why he waited almost three full years before suing. “Do you know how hard it is to find out the true culprit in this entire affair? Hell, we couldn’t figure out who to sue first. Honestly, it all came down to this lady that worked in the cafeteria, she is the one that prepared the wrap for me that day. But I couldn’t actually sue her could I? She doesn’t make any money, heck I doubt she even speaks good English. So anyways, we decided to go after the true offenders in this whole affair; namely big business. Not only are they evil, but that have a crap-load of cash!”
Defendants named in the lawsuit include the aforementioned cafeteria; food suppliers Performance Food Group and Foodbuy LLC; the nation of Greece; and one Lou Sparks of Cleveland, Ohio. When asked why he was suing the nation of Greece and an unknown person from Ohio, Kucinich responded: “Well, olives come from Greece right? So’s they have to have something to do with this. Probably won’t get much from them though, I hear they’re bankrupt. And as for Lou Sparks, well let’s just say this is what you get for not voting for me last time.”
The case is scheduled to go to trial on April 8, 2011.
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2011.11.15 at 10:58
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2011.11.01 at 02:05
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2011.08.13 at 21:59
Useful stuff, but the theme don’t display properly on my Powerbook…maybe you should check that out. Thanks, anyway.
2011.08.16 at 22:44
I guess I could. You can send it to us or stop by the office. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather take it to one of those Apple stores?
2011.08.06 at 17:45
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2011.08.16 at 22:40
Much appreciated Jenell. Although, I for one would think that you have better things to do on Safari than look at our little old website.
At least take some pictures of lions and kangaroos or something. I mean it’s not everyday you get to go to the Congo and see raw nature. Besides, think of the money you wasted on those tickets to New Zealand if all you do is stay on the internet. Say hello to the Queen for me!
2011.04.06 at 17:50
One of the strongest and most persistent elements in national development has been that inheritance of political traditions and usages which the new settlers brought with them.
2011.04.19 at 22:24
Me, I thought it was the development of drive-thru fast food. But what you said sounds okay.
2011.03.09 at 08:41
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2011.04.19 at 22:20
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2011.03.04 at 02:21
I live my life day by day, and that’s how I continue to live it.
2011.03.02 at 17:45
I will not become a Napoleon nor an Alexander, and labour for my own ambition; but I will labour for freedom and for the moral well-being of man.
2011.04.19 at 22:23
Well Napoleon was short and Alexander liked his boy-toys. Go with Patton. He was a badass.
2011.03.01 at 22:41
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2011.04.19 at 22:22
Thanks, we are working hard to update the site on a regular basis. Hopefully when the editor gets released from the county lock-up we will be able to continue posting.
2011.02.28 at 20:19
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2011.02.28 at 22:26
Thanks for the support. We don’t know if there are any other sites like ours. But you never know, daddy did get around…
2011.02.26 at 20:04
When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get several e-mails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove people from that service? Many thanks!
2011.02.28 at 22:30
We have the same problem. No idea how to fix it. Your best bet would be to change your identity and move to a tropical island.
2011.02.26 at 08:25
Hey, I think your website might be having browser compatibility issues. When I look at your blog site in Firefox, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other then that, terrific blog!
2011.02.28 at 22:31
Thanks. As for the overlapping, we will contact our support staff and have the issue addressed.
2011.02.25 at 15:34
I was curious if you ever considered changing the structure of your blog? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having one or two images. Maybe you could space it out better?
2011.02.28 at 22:34
It’s still in the “beta” phase. At this time we are still trying to find our online identity. Plus, our web designer quit after the checks bounced, so we hired a girl with extensive internet experience. Now if we could just get her to put her clothes back on and turn off that damn webcam…
2011.02.25 at 10:58
Wonderful blog! I found it while searching on Yahoo News. Do you have any suggestions on how to get listed in Yahoo News? I’ve been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Appreciate it
2011.02.28 at 22:36
Crime seems to be an easy way to get on Yahoo News. Just remember to smile for the camera. Sleeping with a celebrity then telling your story helps. One of our interns slept with Oprah. He was going to sell his story but died abruptly from an accidental overdose of self-rising flour.
2011.02.25 at 09:51
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2011.02.28 at 22:38
Were you that guy in Target that kept following me around with the Easy Cheese and Wheat Thins? Nice to hear from you.
2011.02.24 at 16:40
Hmm is anyone else experiencing problems with the pictures on this blog loading? I’m trying to figure out if its a problem on my end or if it’s the blog. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
2011.02.28 at 22:39
Don’t know about the picture problems. But if you have problems on your end then you should seek professional help. My suggestion: choose a doctor based on the size of their hands.
2011.02.24 at 08:18
Great blog! Do you have any hints for aspiring writers? I’m planning to start my own blog soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you propose starting with a free platform like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many choices out there that I’m completely overwhelmed .. Any recommendations? Thanks a lot!
2011.02.28 at 22:51
Lewis Grizzard once stated that the best advice he could give any aspiring writer was this: Learn To Type. Writing in longhand sucks.
When designing the Padou Times we decided to go the free route. It may not have the panache of a high-dollar site, but with the money saved we were able to buy an extra cas of beer and watch two pay-per-view movies.
2011.02.23 at 20:49
Howdy! Quick question that’s totally off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My site looks weird when browsing from my iphone. I’m trying to find a theme or plugin that might be able to resolve this problem. If you have any suggestions, please share. Cheers!
2011.02.28 at 22:53
It probably has to do with the fact you are trying to view us an iphone. Steve Jobs doesn’t like us after what we did to his yard