USPS Director Donahoe explaining to Congress the amount of money it will take to save the Post Office: "Look fellas we need to start with several sacks of cash about this big..."
Sources today confirmed that in a rare bit of bi-partisanship, both Republicans and Democrats have agreed on a plan to save the United States Postal Service. This move comes just days after a Postal Service press release stating that the organization will reach its $15 billion borrowing limit by the end of year and is effectively bankrupt.
The Postal Service has seen a dramatic decrease in the amount of business after years of trying to combat increased competition from FedEx and UPS in the package delivery business. To compound matters, email has taken over as the primary communication tool used by many Americans, replacing the traditional mailed letter in an envelope which was the bread and butter of Postal Service revenues.
“Clearly, we underestimated both the fact that people would want their packages delivered on time and to the correct address, plus this entire email thing,” Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe in his address to Congress last week.
The meeting with Congress came just days after Donahoe publicly stated that 80% of the Postal Service budget was allocated to past and current employee compensation. A fact which angered many on both sides of the aisle in Congress. House Conservatives were aghast at the high costs relative to the dwindling revenue, and lambasted the Postmaster General for not initiating reforms sooner. While Liberals were angry that the Postmaster has done so little for employees of the Postal Service. Nancy Pelosi went so far as to demand a Congressional investigation and called for increasing the employee benefits and compensation.
In a tense three-day session, the Postmaster General, Congressional Leaders, Postal Service Employee Union Leader Cliff Guffey, and President Obama met to at Martha’s Vineyard to discuss the dire situation. After some tense discussions on the golf course and over several meals of lobster a decision was reached. One that President Obama hailed as a testament to free enterprise in the country and his dedication to the American people.
Phase one of the legislation will target parcel business lost to FedEx and UPS. According to government surveys, many people are confused as to where they should go to send a package. The plan will eliminate this confusion and simplify things for the American people. Beginning next month all packages for shipment will be dropped off at the nearest Post Office. No longer will you have to decide what service to use, or where they are located. A White House spokesman declared.
Once the package is dropped off at the Post Office, highly trained employees will carefully open the package to inspect it’s contents. Within 72 hours the local Postmaster will decide which service (if any) to use to get the package to it’s final destination. Should a decision not be made in the allotted time; the package will be returned to the sender via FedEx or UPS. The sender can then evaluate whether or not they really need to send the package.
Leaders of both FedEx and UPS argued that the government would be given an unfair advantage over their companies if the legislation were enacted. Also it would effectively negate thousands of jobs nationwide as private carriers would be forced to shut branch offices. White House Spokesman Jay Carney stated that the argument was unfounded and without merit.
“It’s unfounded and without merit,” Carney said Friday during the press briefing. “Look, this administration has a great track record on job creation. We are not in the business of putting people out of work or stifling competition. Our estimates are that there could be potentially around 20,000 to 30,000 people displaced from their career by this legislation. However, based on union estimates, the increased traffic at the Postal Service will create a need for over 60,000 new positions. So no one will technically be out of work. They will simply leave their old job one day and move on over to the Post Office the next. Heck, with that many jobs being created by the President, these displaced workers can bring a friend.”
Carney also noted that the concern about lack of convenience for dropping off packages was a bit overblown. He stated that not only will this make it easier for everyone to remember where to go to drop off a package; but it will also save lives. According to government estimates, approximately 7 million people are killed in accidents each year trying to decide which package delivery service to use and also where to drop off the package for shipment.
“This is gonna save lives people. We are doing this for the elderly and the children.”
In addition to being a one-stop shop for package delivery the second phase of the plan will bring the Postal Service into the digital age. Confirming the existence of something called email, which continues to grow in popularity; the legislation will mandate that all email will be delivered by the USPS. “It was a no-brainer for us,” Donahoe stated. “Once we realized how the whole system works, it was just a matter of getting some legislation enacted to give us some kind of advantage over the competition. After we saw what Obama did for General Motors we knew this would be a cinch.”
While Donahoe is confident that the Postal Service will regain it’s superiority; he does admit that there are still several issues to be addressed before a nationwide roll-out next year of the USPS email service. “One of the biggest hurdles the USPS tackled was what to do about stamps,” Donahoe said. “Several of our brightest technicians worked for months on the issue until they finally informed us that there is nowhere on the email to place the stamp. We tried everything, even the self-licking style wouldn’t work. Then one day last summer we decided to invent a new style of stamp called e-postage.”
Donahoe described the e-postage system working in the following manner. Once the email is created the sender will then attach the proper amount of postage to the email. To do this the sender will print out the email and carry it to their local post office. Once the postage is affixed the sender can then have it delivered via postal carrier, or if they choose they can take it back home and send it from their computer.
Donahoe promises that the consumer will be pleased with the new postal rates. “We listened to the customer on this one,” he stated. “For years people have griped that it costs too much to send a letter. Well with our new e-postage, we have actually been able to lower the cost of postage by half! So instead of having to pay 44 cents to send a letter by physical mail, now they will only have to pay 22 cents for each email!”
According to budget estimates the new legislation is expected to bring approximately $1.9 trillion in new revenue to the Postal Service which is currently over $20 billion in debt. Based on early projections by the Obama administration the new revenue will help shore up the employee retirement system and provide higher benefits to current employees. It will also be used to pay down the debt within 10 years to a more manageable $18 billion.