The Grand Poobah himself released his long-form birth certificate recently, due to heavy pressure from both sides of the aisle and Celebrity Apprentice host Donald Trump. The White House issued a statement that they were hoping this would put this matter to rest for the good of the country.
When questioned by reporters, White House Spokesman Jay Carney had this response: “Seriously guys, it was for the good of the country and also for the President. Honestly, we didn’t think we could keep this crap in the spotlight so long. Finally, the other day Barack just couldn’t take it anymore. I mean it’s bad enough that we are running the country in the ground, hell 1 out of 7 people in the country are on food stamps; job growth is a fond memory; gas prices and taxes are rising as fast as a teenage boy with a subscription to Maxim; and the dollar is finally to the point where it can be used for toilet paper.
“And yet the biggest story in the country was this birth certificate issue. The President realized that there was no need to continue with the charade. So he called his lackeys in the press and told them to go ahead and publish the long form.”
Even after release, many still doubted that the form was accurate. Some skeptics went so far as to say that the lack of footprints and such on the certificate proved it was a fake and therefore worthless.
When questioned, Carney responded, “Oh the lack of foot prints can be explained easily, we’ll have them added to the form next week. Also, NBC will run a story blaming Tea-Party members with altering the original document. As for the worthless part, all I can say is you people still believe in the dollar right? Hell it’s worthless, so what are you bitching about a freakin’ certificate for? I can guarantee you if I put that thing on Ebay it would be snatched up in a heartbeat, and be worth a heck of a lot more than them Benjamins in your pocket.”
First Lady Queen “Your Kid Is Fatter Than Mine” Michelle issued this statement concerning the certificate: “I will have you know that I took an interest in Barack’s long form many years ago. This was long before everyone else got a look at it. While at first I was disappointed, I soon realized that it was hindered by him having a white momma. God I wish she had been a Cherokee.”