A group of enthusiastic former corporate executives, petroleum engineers, and coal plant CEO’s thank self-professed drug user and dog meat expert Barack Obama for giving them the opportunity to work the fry station!

Washington D.C. – The White House released the monthly jobs report today which reflected the best improvement overall since 1983. This marks a vast change from the previous months since self-professed drug user and canine connoisseur Barack I ate Bin Laden’s Heart Obama took office. The positive numbers come soon after Obama took a thrashing in the first Presidential debate for his poor performance concerning employment in the country.

Speaking from the Press Room at the White House, Press Secretary Jay Carney noted that this was not due to any manipulation of the numbers; it was just a reflection on the power of Obama’s policy.

“Look, I know that there are people who may think that we somehow rigged the numbers to help out the President after he got his ass kicked by that Mormon,” Carney stated. “But that is just not the case. I think that what we are seeing is the President’s policies are finally paying off. For years we have seen these high numbers and now to imply that he is somehow cheating to get re-elected is just ridiculous.” Continue reading

Manson look-alike photographed by our investigative team using the Padou spy cam! Soon after our photographer was pulled aside for an extended cavity search.

Washington D.C. – Homeland Security Chief and special friend to her female subordinates, Janet Napolitano announced a new program by which her personal Gestapo will increase the fear factor amongst law-abiding United States citizens. Code-named Helter Skelter, the program will utilize Charles Manson look-alikes to psychologically intimidate citizens – referred to by the TSA as potential terrorists.

Keeping with the mission of only recruiting the best and brightest for the TSA the agency recruited from various locations known for upstanding, highly ethical, and extremely motivated candidates. TSA recruiters were dispatched to various fast-food outlets, drug rehabilitation clinics, and court ordered anger management classes to interview potential TSA agents.

TSA Manson Corps member writes names of problem passengers in blood on wall of full body scanner.

After an exhaustive interview process in which recruits were subjected to extensive classroom training and a rigorous physical regimen the new agents were deployed to the field. Already regional supervisors are impressed with the results. Where other TSA agents may be less aggressive, the new recruits were specifically trained to immediately suspect everyone and challenge all passengers to prove that they are not terrorists.

TSA employee checks US citizens ‘papers’ to see if she has been naughty or nice.

As well as the Manson look-alikes the agency has also hired several agents from the mall Santa Corps. The Obama administration applauded this move as a boon to increase the employment rate amongst these seasonal employees. The SCEU (Santa Claus Employment Union) issued a statement that this move will not only bring much needed jobs all across the country, but also make the nation safer as members of the SCEU are highly trained in monitoring crowds and determining problem individuals before issues arise. No doubt that the ability to determine a disruptive child before the elves escort them to ones lap will enable these individuals to identify the next jihadist.

Today is the anniversary of the attacks upon the United States by Muslim terrorists on September 11, 2001. Like Pearl Harbor, this was a watershed moment in our history; a moment that stopped the entire nation and brought us together if not but for a brief moment. Like so many others I watched the events unfold on television that morning. I woke up just in time to see the second plane crash into the World Trade Center tower. A chill overcame me and it does to this day every time I think of that moment. For the first time in my life I was overcome with fear for myself and my country. Throughout the day I watched as reports came in of the attacks on the Pentagon and the crash of flight 93 in that Pennsylvania field. It seemed to never end and the fear grew exponentially as each hour passed.

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Sandra Fluke, wearing her trademark used NuvaRing birth control necklace, told the crowd at the DNC last night that 10 guys a night is acceptable. As long as you wash thoroughly after every third one.

Sandra Fluke, the 30-year old college student with an enormous prophylactic bill, addressed the DNC last night to drum up support for President Obama and remind America that she likes to do the nasty. Continue reading

The First Lady seen here dancing during her routine at the DNC shortly before her wardrobe malfunction. Attendees were shocked with some saying it looked like a one-eyed python jumped out at them!

First Lady Michelle Obama (wife of self-professed drug user and dog meat eater Barack) gave a keynote speech to the Democratic National Convention Tuesday night. In the speech she praised all her husband has done as President and told the nation that there is still work to do to save us all from the Republican scourge. Continue reading