In a bid to restore order and bring the criminals to justice in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, former dog-eater, cocaine peddler, and current President Barack Obama appointed an emergency Justice Czar to lead the fight against violence and quell the anarchy.
Paul Blart, a security expert from New Jersey has been tasked with coordinating the effort to restore peace to the streets. Blart is a semi-retired retail security expert who single handedly stopped a terrorist act three years ago at a mall in West Orange, New Jersey. An act that, in the words of Joe Biden: saved trillions of lives!
Arriving at the conference on a Homeland Security Segway Mobility Device, Blart outlined his plan to calm the masses and restore peace. “The President stated that first and foremost we must reach out to the Muslim population and let them know we are here for them in their time of need. Second we must help the vulnerable in society regain their footing and show them respect. And third, we absolutely have to get people to the voting booths.”
Blart stated that the plan for stopping looting and criminal activity was revolutionary in scope; and could only have been devised by someone who had ascended to a higher plane of thinking like President Obama.
The plan would be accomplished by reaching out to those committing crimes. Opening up a dialogue with them to come to an understanding on how best they could fulfill their hopes and dreams;, and then letting them know that you are there for them no matter what. Bart explained that the President personally told him that the method would work because he had used the same tactics in the Middle East and that turned out fine.
The plan also involves distribution of essential supplies to the affected masses. “Things are critical for these people,” Blart stated. “Therefore, in conjunction with FEMA, DHS, the FBI, Rent-A-Center and under the direction of the White House we have identified several items that are needed immediately for survival of the poor and disenfranchised.
“Beginning today trucks will be touring neighborhoods distributing food, water, clothing, LED televisions, iPads, Obama campaign leather jackets, and condoms to homes. If someone does not have a home they will be taken to the first abandoned home we find and given that house. As a courtesy, the Obama campaign has also donated several hundred Hummer Limousines to help transport these people. As you know the Hummer brand is extremely sturdy and should adequately transport the vulnerable of society to comfort.”
Standing beside Blart were Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman and Professor Severus Snape of Hogwart’s Academy in England. Lieberman was on hand to discuss the plan for assuring the voting process would continue unencumbered; while Snape was hand-chosen by the White House as the special United Nations Voting Monitor for the region.
With the election close at hand many are worried that they will be unable to vote. Rumors abound that the election may be delayed until normal operations were restored. Senator Lieberman promised that the elections would be held on schedule. Already special voting booths were being set-up to allow emergency voting to take place. Since it could not be determined exactly who voted already due to storm damaged election offices, the President issued an Executive Order allowing everyone who shows up at a polling place to vote.
In addition to a ballot, each person arriving at a polling place will be given an Obama 2012 commemorative hoodie, iPhone 5 with Obama’s face laser-etched on the back, $1,500 cash, and a copy of the pamphlet entitled How Romney Wants To Take Your Stuff Away, Put You Back In the Fields On His Plantation, And Kill Your Children. They will then be directed to the voting booth where they can vote for either of the two candidates running for office.
The Padou Times obtained a copy of the ballot and noted that the two candidates listed for President are: Barack Hussein Obama and B.H. Obama. When we questioned the polling place personnel as to why Romney was not on the ballot, we were directed to UN Elections Monitor Severus Snape. After a brief conversation with Professor Snape we realized that we misread the ballot and were glad we voted for Obama. Also we can report that the hoodie is warm and the iPhone 5 is a great piece of hardware. Thank goodness we have a President who is so in tune with the needs of the people as opposed to those evil Mormon Republican Muggles.