A group of enthusiastic former corporate executives, petroleum engineers, and coal plant CEO’s thank self-professed drug user and dog meat expert Barack Obama for giving them the opportunity to work the fry station!
Washington D.C. – The White House released the monthly jobs report today which reflected the best improvement overall since 1983. This marks a vast change from the previous months since self-professed drug user and canine connoisseur Barack I ate Bin Laden’s Heart Obama took office. The positive numbers come soon after Obama took a thrashing in the first Presidential debate for his poor performance concerning employment in the country.
Speaking from the Press Room at the White House, Press Secretary Jay Carney noted that this was not due to any manipulation of the numbers; it was just a reflection on the power of Obama’s policy.
“Look, I know that there are people who may think that we somehow rigged the numbers to help out the President after he got his ass kicked by that Mormon,” Carney stated. “But that is just not the case. I think that what we are seeing is the President’s policies are finally paying off. For years we have seen these high numbers and now to imply that he is somehow cheating to get re-elected is just ridiculous.”
Carney then answered the question of how Obama was able to accomplish this feat since the majority of his policies are anti-business and designed to hinder job growth.
“Well, that’s a little complicated and really something that only people on our level can truly understand. So let me dumb it down a little for you. You see, first we have to look at the big picture. There are simply a lot of people out there that businesses could hire, but the large corporations simply don’t want to hire them due to influence from the Romney campaign. So we decided to pull those people from the equation to level the playing field.
“Next we spoke with many of our supporters in the business world and asked them to try and help out the country by putting people to work. So what happened was that we were able to provide millions of part-time jobs to people who truly needed them. While some may say that part-time work is not enough,” Carney stated, “you have to remember that there are many in the country now able to work two or three part time jobs in order to feed their family.”
“Our opponents may say this is bad, but our research indicates that this is what the people want. No longer will they be stuck in one dead end profession. Now they can have two or more. Why just the other day the President received a letter from a former regional manager for a manufacturing firm. He was so appreciative that Obama’s policies allowed him to learn new careers.
“This man was excited that instead of managing a multi-unit operation supervising hundreds of people, he could now concentrate on several careers with higher opportunities for advancement. For instance, his night job stocking shelves at Target had already paid off and he was soon to move up to lead shelf stocker; while his afternoon job at McDonald’s was great in that he had recently received a promotion from the fry station over to apple pies and desserts.”
Carney also noted that the rate was reduced by a government hiring spree. “Look, the President was really upbeat about doing all that he could to help the voters of the country. Now we all know that the government is not a business, and thankfully does not have to worry about budgets and such. So he saw an opportunity to get people back to work. We looked at every department in the government and noticed how hard and overworked our employees are. Therefore the President decided to bring some more people on board to lighten the workload and increase morale before November. These extra people will not only bring more cash flow to the economy but will also create a leaner and more efficient federal workforce.”
Carney also promised that October would be even better than September. To celebrate the great news, the report due out in November would arrive the Friday before the election. When it was noted that this would break with current standing policy, Carney replied that change is good.
In other news the administration released a statement noting that coal industry restrictions have been placed on hold and all coal plants should get back to full operational capacity as soon as possible. Carney said that the President was rethinking his previous statements on the coal industry. He also said these statements were misconstrued by many and he should have a revised decision sometime after the election.
General Motors also announced that it would be restarting several plants throughout the country and re-hiring 200,000 people immediately. This was due to the news that the government has decided to replace every vehicle in its fleet as soon as possible. The administration stated that reviews of thousands of vehicles built prior to the government takeover of the company found that the vehicles were dangerous. This was primarily due to illegal cost cutting measures by enacted by evil corporate management trying to squeeze more profits at the expense of safety.
The government order for the replacement vehicles is expected to cost several billion dollars. These costs will be paid through a carbon emission fee included in the latest education bill. The President noted with pride that the costs will not be a burden to the middle class; as the fee only targets profit making businesses and business owners.