Manson look-alike photographed by our investigative team using the Padou spy cam! Soon after our photographer was pulled aside for an extended cavity search.

Washington D.C. – Homeland Security Chief and special friend to her female subordinates, Janet Napolitano announced a new program by which her personal Gestapo will increase the fear factor amongst law-abiding United States citizens. Code-named Helter Skelter, the program will utilize Charles Manson look-alikes to psychologically intimidate citizens – referred to by the TSA as potential terrorists.

Keeping with the mission of only recruiting the best and brightest for the TSA the agency recruited from various locations known for upstanding, highly ethical, and extremely motivated candidates. TSA recruiters were dispatched to various fast-food outlets, drug rehabilitation clinics, and court ordered anger management classes to interview potential TSA agents.

TSA Manson Corps member writes names of problem passengers in blood on wall of full body scanner.

After an exhaustive interview process in which recruits were subjected to extensive classroom training and a rigorous physical regimen the new agents were deployed to the field. Already regional supervisors are impressed with the results. Where other TSA agents may be less aggressive, the new recruits were specifically trained to immediately suspect everyone and challenge all passengers to prove that they are not terrorists.

TSA employee checks US citizens ‘papers’ to see if she has been naughty or nice.

As well as the Manson look-alikes the agency has also hired several agents from the mall Santa Corps. The Obama administration applauded this move as a boon to increase the employment rate amongst these seasonal employees. The SCEU (Santa Claus Employment Union) issued a statement that this move will not only bring much needed jobs all across the country, but also make the nation safer as members of the SCEU are highly trained in monitoring crowds and determining problem individuals before issues arise. No doubt that the ability to determine a disruptive child before the elves escort them to ones lap will enable these individuals to identify the next jihadist.