The First Lady seen here dancing during her routine at the DNC shortly before her wardrobe malfunction. Attendees were shocked with some saying it looked like a one-eyed python jumped out at them!
First Lady Michelle Obama (wife of self-professed drug user and dog meat eater Barack) gave a keynote speech to the Democratic National Convention Tuesday night. In the speech she praised all her husband has done as President and told the nation that there is still work to do to save us all from the Republican scourge.
Speaking to a packed house bussed in on the promise of free food and beer, Michelle noted that her husband created millions of jobs since he was inaugurated back in January, 2009. “Before Barack was anointed there were scores of jobs that had to be filled by children. Now those jobs have been given to adults so that they can be productive members of society. No longer will McDonald’s have to worry if the person working the french fry station is properly educated on the intricacies of fry oil. Now we have engineers, physicists, and people with PHD’s filling those positions!
“Why just the other day I was in a McDonald’s chastising parents for feeding their children unhealthy foods. I looked over and saw a man in his forties mopping the floor. I was touched by his dedication to the job as he meticulously mopped in a grid pattern. ‘Mop-person,’ I called out to him, ‘I am impressed with your skills, how long have you been doing this?’ He replied that he was a trained geologist, but had been unemployed since Barack imposed tight sanctions on the coal industry; now he was working this job and coupling that with food stamps and other government assistance to support his family. ‘Wonderful,’ I told him. ‘It warms my heart to see that you have seen the error of your ways and have stopped raping Mother Earth’. He smiled and I watched as a tear ran down his cheek. He obviously let his emotions overcome him as he stood in my presence.
“This man’s dedication has not only enabled him to become a productive member of society but also allowed him to bring his family into the government fold where they will be taken care of. Now some will say that his pride is damaged by taking government assistance. I say baloney (which is unhealthy by the way). By letting the government take care of his family, this shows his children that Barack and I care about them. We only want what is best for them and all children. Not only that but no longer will this man feel pressured to succeed in America. No longer will he feel the pain of being a successful white person having to live large off the labors of others. Yes, I understand it may be a bit of a shock when you have to move out of your home and lose your vehicle due to the evil bank repossessing it. But Barack and I are there for you with housing credits for some beautiful apartment. And he can sleep easy at night knowing that he is traveling to and from work on public transit which is much less polluting than any personal vehicle.”
Michelle then went on to speak personally of Barack and her family. Noting that even though he is trying to correct the country after Bush nearly destroyed it, they still have to make time for fun family activities. She told the audience of how they have to distance themselves from the pains of the country sometimes, else they will die inside of sorrow. They knew going into this that the road ahead would be hard, so before the inauguration she and Barack made a pact. They both decided the best way to shoulder the burden of saving the nation would be to enjoy themselves whenever possible. Therefore they knew the best way to do this would be to vacation as much as possible, especially since it was going to be free with the government handling the major costs.
She also spoke of her efforts to curb obesity in the country and told the crowd of her new exercise video for children which also promoted women’s health. The video, titled: I Taste Like Chocolate But It’s My Body And If You Get Me Preggers Don’t Worry Cause The Government Will Provide A Free Abortion, will be available online at Amazon, iTunes, and her website Gettin’ Jiggy Wit’ Mrs. O.
To close the speech the First Lady raised the roof by performing a routine onstage with the Solid Gold dancers, Lady Gaga, and Justin Timberlake. All was going well until a wardrobe malfunction in which her jock strap came apart during the Wiggle Dance. Luckily Timberlake was there to take the offending member in both hands and help her hide it. Timberlake was later asked backstage what he was thinking when the malfunction occurred. He replied that he was overcome with envy and then immediate fear that she may ‘try to sling that thing in my direction’.
The convention continues tonight with speeches by other prominent Democrats along with special presentations including tributes to gay soldiers, atheists fighting against using the word God in any form, and homeless people protesting the right to defecate on public sidewalks. There will also be seminars conducted on how to protest with the maximum publicity, why you should only trust the government, how Republicans plan to kill your family, and how Obamacare will allow your six-year old child to have a sex change.