During a press conference Biden says that the ‘maximum he can take is about this big.’
Vice President and designated Court Jester Joe “I didn’t say that” Biden literally let one out of the closet during a recent speech. Biden, who if you all recall is just one heartbeat away from assuming the big job, stated that he “has known eight presidents, three of them intimately”.
This probably rates as one of the greatest lines ever out of this guy’s mouth. While Biden did not elaborate as to whom the lucky fellas were the Padou Times has investigated White House records and come up with a plausible list of suspects. Following are details uncovered after examining daily logs supplied to us by an unnamed source who once bumped into Harry Reid at Bed Bath & Beyond. So you know this has got to be true.
6:10 a.m. January 20, 1977 – President Gerald Ford, on his last day in office invites Biden along with several other politicians to the White House for breakfast. During the meal Ford’s stomach becomes upset and he excuses himself to the bathroom. Witnesses note that Biden watched ‘longingly’ as Ford left the room. Biden soon excuses himself and disappears. Not long after that the guests hear Ford yell “What the Hell Joe!” followed by glass shattering. Ford soon returns to the table acting as if nothing happened. Approximately 20 minutes later Biden appears with a bandage on his head and a black eye.
Chance that Biden got to ride a Ford – less than 1%
9:45 p.m., November 15th, 1978 – Biden is admitted to the White House through a back door entrance. He is escorted to the private sitting room of President Jimmy Carter. A warm fire is the only thing lighting the room. President Carter dismisses the Secret Service agents who are told to wait outside the door. After several minutes of grunting and moaning Carter is heard yelling ‘you cracked my peanut!’ Soon afterward Biden emerges looking disheveled and complaining about dry-mouth.
Chance that Biden got a taste of the Georgia goober – 99.99%
1:14 p.m. March 20th, 1987 – Biden visits the White House for a conference with President Reagan and Vice-President George Bush. According to Secret Service Agent transcripts of the meeting Biden was dressed seductively and attempted several times to ‘come on’ to both the President and Vice-President. Finally having enough of Biden’s shenanigans President Reagan bitch-slapped Biden to the ground and Bush drug him out the door where he was promptly attacked by Reagan’s horse. Hospital records seem to confirm this story as a J. Biden was treated in the emergency room for wounds to the face and animal bites on his buttocks.
Chance that Biden got down with either Reagan or the elder Bush – 0.0%
July 4th, 1998 – Biden mistakenly is invited to the White House Intern Fourth of July Bash! During the evening he is apparently violated by a heavily intoxicated President Bill Clinton. While initially denied by Clinton, aides to the former president state that he admitted the incident years later before undergoing open heart surgery. “It was just a wild night of fun you know,” Clinton stated. “Hell I looked around and all them girls had their pants down and asses in the air. I just started doing mah thang. Then about towards the end of the line I hit a set of hairy cheeks but by then I was already there you know? Next thang I know ole Joe is a-lookin’ at me just a smilin’. I throwed up quite a bit, but the deed was done.”
Chance of Joe having Whitewater rain down on him: 100%
November, 2000 – In the tumultuous weeks following the election, Biden is part of a secret group of Democrat lawmakers dispatched to extend an olive branch to George W. Bush. Soon after entering the Bush home all are forcibly thrown out. Tom Daschle is overheard yelling “Damnit Joe, we were supposed to extend an olive branch! What the Hell was that?”
Chance of Biden getting his slice of Texas – Virtually nil.
2008 to present day – Biden has served as Vice President to Barack Obama. During this time they have grown closer than any white man and black/white man could be. Joe has been a mentor to the young energetic president. Oftentimes they can be seen in the Rose Garden discussing private matters or during an impromptu skins vs. skins basketball game. Joe has been quoted as saying that their relationship transcends the boundaries of race and manhood. Plus he is said to have stated that he likes Barack because the kisses taste like chocolate!
Chance of Joe getting a taste of some Brown Sugah! – Guaranteed!