Elizabeth Warren, the embattled Democrat senatorial candidate from Massachusetts has yet to answer calls regarding her alleged past life as a zombie. While Warren is quick to remind everyone that she is of Cherokee descent; her office has not responded to mounting evidence that she was once a flesh-eating monster.
Below is a side by side comparison of both the zombie photo and a recent picture of her found on the internet. The resemblance is striking to say the least.
Zombie history or not? You decide!
An investigation by the Padou Times uncovered several documents, well over thirty-years old, from a portable storage unit we recently bought at auction. Amidst the old moth-eaten undergarments and Re-Elect Carter In ’80 memorabilia, was a photo our experts believe is a zombie-virus infected Warren.
While it is not specifically documented that this is Warren; there is no evidence to dispute the accusation. Based on her account of Cherokee descent which cannot be legally or factually documented as true; we feel safe in asserting that this most likely is her.
However, in the pursuit of truth and fairness we will provide the following statement from a guy who said he was a zombie expert. Meeting at his office, nestled in the back corner of a local comic shop, our expert offered up his scientific opinion on the matter.
Based on an examination of both photos it is clearly evident this is Elizabeth Warren before she was cured of the zombie plague. Note the similarities in the facial structure between the two subjects. Both have a wide nose which is heavily utilized for sniffing out prey in the wild. Both have teeth used for removing flesh from bone. Although Ms. Warren’s seems to have benefited from a government sponsored dental plan. Both have two eyes, ears, and hair on the top of their head. Also, note that the smile is almost exactly the same; save for a more restrained look in the present day photo. This facial expression is quite common in former zombies and also the elderly. Therefore it is my expert opinion that this woman is a former zombie.
It is unknown at this time if Warren will deny her heritage or use it in conjunction with her shaky Cherokee ancestry. Should she choose the latter, it may well benefit her in the upcoming election. She could curry favor with Native American Zombies and their families. She could also become a proud spokesperson for the the undead flesh-eater minority movement in America; a downtrodden and neglected group trying to gain the respect they truly deserve.
Stay tuned to the Padou Times for updates on this story as it develops.